Finding Myself After Baby

I know I'm not the only woman that struggled with how to find myself after having a baby. 

That seems to be, overall, a pretty ubiquitous experience we can all bond over on our mommy pages. I find, however, that somewhere amongst the chatter there is an unrest. The discussion is incomplete.

So many women talk about forgetting who they were. Finding joy in their once well-loved passions again. Returning to their true form. Returning to their original physical form. And that's wonderful for those who achieve it, but for many a return is impossible because that person no longer exists.  

Giving birth changes you. Unequivocally.  Irreversibly. 

For me, giving birth was a catalyst. I knew almost instantaneously that I could not go back to who I was before. She no longer fit my narrative.  

The world was all of a sudden an entirely different and incredibly scary place and my knowledge was all of a sudden remarkably insufficient. Not only did I not know anything about raising a child - it being my first time and all - but I also did not know anything about me. Certainly not enough to allow me to guide a tiny human through life successfully.

I was 34 years old. How on earth did I not know who I was?

At first, all I could do was cry about it. There's not much else to do when you're riding those postpartum waves. But eventually, when the haze cleared, I started really thinking about who I thought I was versus who I wanted to be. Who would my son see when he looked at me twenty years down the road?

I didn't want him to see the old me. The quitter with no confidence. No guts. No real drive or direction. No way was I setting him up for a lifetime of treating women like doormats.  I couldn't show him the me that was afraid of everything or the one that turned down so many potentially positive experiences due to a perceived social ineptitude. 

I wanted him to see strength and perseverance - someone who set goals and worked towards them. Who stood up for herself and for him. I wanted him to be able to say "Wow, my mom was brave," and "she wasn't afraid to put herself out there," and "she lived fully'"  

I knew I needed to take advantage of the in-between state that new motherhood provides if I was going to bridge the gap between who I was and who I was going to be. 

I started voraciously consuming self-help materials. I read books. I listened to podcasts. Surfed websites. I consumed so many resources it became dizzying until two in particular spoke to me. The We Can Do Hard Things  podcast and Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion by Jia Tolentino. Once my brain had consumed and processed their messages - I won't go into them here but I highly recommend you check out at least one if not both - I had what I needed. 

Everything around me began to change when I implemented what I'd learned...because I was changing it. The once socially inept quitter began putting herself out there in mommy workout groups and in online posts. I moved out of my home and set clear boundaries with my partner when he failed to see the sincerity in my pleas for change at home. 

Some of my biggest fears were faced head on during this time.  And I found that, as a result, I began to heal from traumas I didn't even know I had. I'm still facing some of those fears and traumas today. Healing is a journey that never really ends. But there is progress. 

Now, the kind of parent I wanted to be no longer seems like a pipe dream, but something utterly accomplishable with a little hard work and a whole lot of patience. I can be a fun mom. I can be a brave mom. I can be a crunchy mom. I can be any kind of mom I want to be as long as I remember I'm in charge of who I am. 

I never really did find myself after having my son. I broke down and then rebuilt myself into someone entirely new. And I have to say I like her much better

Brittany